As sick as our secrets
by SVusSlave
Summary: What if what happened to Rollins 5 years ago had left her with more than mental damage? Something worse and better at the same time. Something that made it even more difficult to deal with. Was it the right time for her to try and make it up to that "something" ? It'll be a rolivia fanfic eventually. Not really sure where this is going so I'll rate it M.
1. Chapter 1

**Based on the story line of Forgiving Rollins . Some facts, you'll notice, have been changed for the sake of the story. This is a ROLIVIA fanfic, don't like, don't read. If you read, please leave a review and let me know what you think, so I'll know if I should post another chapter or not. C:**

**I do NOT own any of this characters they belong to Dick Wolf.**

**PS:My mother tongue is not english so please be kind.**

**a huge thank you to " " for being my beta**

She sighted heavily as she placed the empty glass on the wooden counter and asked for one more. She'd lost count after the seventh drink. Maybe Olivia was right, maybe she should go to a therapist just like she did. But Olivia was a strong woman to her, an idol, her secret love. Amanda Rollins thought of herself as a weak person. She'd never go to a therapist and actually talk about this. She would just bury it once more like she did before.

That's what she wanted to do, but this time, she couldn't. She came to realize that there was indeed more than what she thought it was. She took one more sip in her mouth, not swallowing it for a while. Yes, Olivia was right. She had to do this right, but she wasn't sure it was even possible. She dropped some money on the counter, not bothered enough to wait for the change, and left the bar in a rush.

She took her phone out and dialed a number. She wasn't aware of the time. She lost sense of time the moment she entered that bar, shortly after the deputy chief was released.

_"Yes?"_ A sleepy voice on the other side of the line answered.

"Mum, um.. h..hi it's me, Amanda." She managed to say, her voice trembling from all the alcohol in her system

"_Sweet Jesus Amanda, do you know what time it is? Are you alright?" _

"Y..yes um, I'm sorry I didn't really look at the time. Mum I just."

"_Are you drunk Amanda? I've heard about the deputy chief, you know drinking is not the solution.." _The woman who was Amanda's mother cut her off.

"No, I'm..I'm good mum I just, I wanna come down to Georgia, a visit. I wanna see.." She mouthed. She placed her hand on her forehead and gently squeezed it, trying to make that terrible headache go away. Again her mother cut her off.

_"Amanda, I'm sorry but that's not a really good idea. It's been four months since you last came, and Celestine is doing better. You can't just drop by and play the sweet mother card and then just disappear."_

Amanda let some tears ran down her cheeks. Her mother was right. After that night in that hotel room, Amanda got pregnant with her boss's child. She never told anyone but her mother had somehow talked her out of abortion. After she gave birth she wanted to give her daughter up for adoption, not strong enough to raise her on her own. She believed she'd be a bad mother, because of who the father of the child was. Her mother wouldn't let Amanda give her daughter up for adoption so she decided to raise her herself in case Amanda changed her mind later on. Over the past four years, she'd visit her four year old, just to check on her and give some money for her. She never really allowed herself to see how much she could love that child.

As her daughter grew older, it became harder for Amanda. The child was so attached to her, although she'd rarely see her. So every time Amanda would go for a visit her, the little girl would cry her eyes out, not wanting to let her mother go. Yes, Amanda did feel like a bad mother, if she could be considered a mother to this child. And right that moment she knew, Celestine was the first thing she had to make right.

She took a deep breath before answering. " I know mum, I wanna…. I wanna make things right. Please"

_"I'm sorry Amanda. I've let my own daughters' destroy themselves. I'm not gonna let you destroy my granddaughter as well." _With these words Amanda's mother hung up, leaving a crying Amanda feeling even more damaged.

She knew she wasn't the best mum possible. But at that moment she felt like she could make it right. Did she really want to do this for Celestine, or herself? She was too drunk and too tired to tell. She had taken a few days off, so she didn't have to go back to the precinct in the morning, and she didn't feel like going home at all. She couldn't even remember where she had parked her car, so she decided to walk. She just kept walking.

* * *

><p>Olivia heard the familiar baby cry. She sighted before getting up and walking over to Noah's crib.<p>

"What is it buddy, you need a change?" she whispered to him and took him in her arms. She got him undressed and decided to give him a bath to cool him down. After cleaning him up, changing his diaper and feeding him Olivia laid on the couch with baby Noah resting on her chest. She checked the time: 3:00 am. She had a few hours left before she had to go back to work, but she couldn't go back to sleep, and it wasn't Noah who had woke her up.

She couldn't stop thinking of her youngest detective, Amanda Rollins. Olivia knew how Amanda must have felt. She had it rough with William Lewis but he didn't get the chance to rape her. All those years Amanda denied that she was raped and blamed herself. It wasn't easy for her to deal with it and move on with her life. If only she could listen to her and visit her therapist. He could really help her, or at least that's what Olivia thought. But she knew that Amanda wouldn't go far without getting some help. She would eventually start gambling again or find some other illegal and dangerous way to survive. She really did care about that detective.

Thinking of how she could convince Amanda to get some help, she fell asleep on that cold couch with baby Noah. She was soon woken up by a knock on her door. She again checked her watch. 5:00am. This couldn't be good. She gently stood up, covering Noah with his small blanket while holding him tight in her arms. He was still fast asleep. Holding the baby's head carefully she moved and opened the door.

"Amanda, oh. Are you alright?" She asked seeing the female detective even paler than she normally was. Her eyes where puffy and red. She had either being crying, or she was drunk as hell. Maybe both.

"Yea, Sergeant I, I'm sorry to bother you.. I just need a favor.." she mumbled, one head against Olivia's door so as to support herself.

"Let me put Noah in his bed and we can talk alright? Come on in Amanda" Olivia calmly said. The younger woman was obviously in a great need of some help.

"No, you know what..I'm sorry to bother you it was so stupid of me I'll . I'll just go" The blonde said. Olivia grabbed her wrist, now holding Noah with her other hand.

"No Amanda come in, it'll just take a minute"

The brunette led Amanda inside and closed the door. She made her some tea before moving into Noah's room. She stayed there for less than twenty minutes, but by the time she returned to the living room Amanda was already sleeping on her couch. Olivia sighed and pulled out a sad face, staring at Amanda. She brought a blanket and covered the blonde detective, before returning to her bedroom.

* * *

><p><em>"Okay Amanda now I need you to push alright?" The doctor guided her. Amanda nodded. She let out a loud scream as the contraction hit her. She pushed with all the power she had. "It's good, you are doing good Amanda just breathe now"<em>

_"It hurts." She cried. Amanda wasn't ready for this. She had barely entered the eighth month of her pregnancy._

_"I know sweetie, I just need you to push when I tell you okay? Everything will be over soon. 1.2.3. push"_

_The blonde once again pushed, screaming at the top of her lungs. She breathed as the doctor coached her to, waiting for the next contraction._

_"This will be the last one Amanda you are doing great. I can see the head. Do you know what your baby's gender is?" The doctor tried to relax Amanda. She shook her head no. "Alright lets see then, push Amanda, I need a good push now."_

_Repeating the same process Amanda pushed once more, the best she could. Shortly after a baby cry filled the room. Amanda finally breathed and let some tears fall. The doctor passed the baby to Amanda to let her hold it for the very first time. "It seems like you had a very pretty baby girl" she told her. _

_Amanda smiled at the sight of the little baby. The relief she had felt left her shortly after when the doctor spoke again. "She looks just like you, the father will surely be upset". The father, for a moment Amanda had left this part completely out of her mind. But just then she realized, that no matter how hard she'd try. This baby would always connect her with the father._

_Right that moment, the flashback stopped being a memory. Deputy chief Patton suddenly appeared into the labor room. It was like no one could see him but her. "I'm here to take my daughter home Amanda" he told her with a smirk on his face._

_"No, no you can't do that" She shouted at him._

_He just laughed. "You should have known by now, I don't take no as an answer" and with that he removed the baby from her hands._

_"No leave her alone" she shouted._

She woke up, all sweaty and heavy breathing. She noticed Olivia running into the living room, stopping a few steps away from her.

"Amanda, are you alright?" she asked worriedly.

Amanda swallowed, trying to catch her breath before answering. "Yeah, I'm sorry; it was just a bad dream." She realized she had fallen asleep in Olivia's apartment. "Olivia I'm so sorry, I came here uninvited, slept on your couch and woke you up. I hope I didn't wake up Noah as well"

Olivia smiled and walked to the couch, sitting on its edge. "Amanda you are always invited into my house. Especially when you are as drunk as you were when you arrived here. And you didn't wake me up, I need to get ready for work anyway. And no, Noah's still sleeping. So just take a breath and you can tell me about the favor you needed to ask me for."

"No it's alright I don't need a favor I'm okay" She jumped out of Olivia's couch ready to leave for her house.

"Amanda please, just tell me okay. There's nothing to be ashamed of."

Amanda sighed. "Okay Sergeant. I need some money. Cash. I hate to ask you but, I kinda lost my wallet somewhere last night, it wasn't really the best night of the year so.. I'll give it back to you, first thing Monday morning. If you can't, I get it.. you have Noah now and.."

"Shh, calm down Amanda I will give you as much as you need and you can give it back to me whenever you can." Olivia answered. She couldn't help but wonder what did the blonde need the money for. But she wasn't going to ask. Maybe she wanted to go to a therapist? She hoped so. She surely hoped it wasn't for any gambling debts...

After thanking Olivia more like a million times Amanda left her apartment and walked back to where she had left her car last night. She drove straight to the airport. The queue was so long, but she didn't mind. And now, it was finally her turn.

"I want a ticket for the next flight to Georgia please."

**THANK YOU FOR READING. IF YOU LIKED IT PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW. HAVE A NICE DAY XX**


	2. Chapter 2

**THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL REVIEWS GUYS AND THANK YOU TO MY BETA ONCE MORE.**

**Here's the next chapter i hope you enjoy**

Amanda must've fallen asleep during the flight because she was woken up by a member of the plane's stuff about then minutes after the plane had landed.

"I'm sorry I was just really tired" she mumbled before leaving, faking a smile to the kind lady. She picked up her backpack and left in a rush.

It was already 2:00 pm. The perfect time. Her mother would go and pick up Celestine from school and Amanda had enough time to get some of her wanted jobs done and be outside her mother's house just on time for them to arrive from school. She walked around some furniture shops, picking up some of their prospectus. All these kids' furniture and toys made her realize how much she was missing out, just because she hadn't been brave enough to face up her fears and make the best possible for her daughter.

She took a cigarette and put it in her mouth, only to drop it down as soon as she saw her mother and daughter arriving from the corner. For some reason she felt so anxious, she wasn't sure if her knees were strong enough to hold her, right that moment. She took a deep breath so as to calm herself down. She made an attempt to fix her hair with her hands, coughed a few times to clean her throat and took a deep voice. As soon as Amanda's mother saw her standing there she changed her direction, holding the little girl's hand, leading her away. Amanda ran over to them.

" Mum, stop…" She shouted. She saw the elder woman stopping. She whispered something to the little girl and started walking to where she was, without Celestine following her. The little girl had stayed right there, with her back turned at Amanda.

"Amanda I think I made it pretty clear the other night. You shouldn't be here." She yelled at her.

"Mum I know you don't really trust me, but I am here to see Celestine. I want to be a mother to her. A real one. I need to try this." She explained in an apologetic tone.

"Celestine is not your toy Amanda you can't just try to be her mother. I'm not letting you take her. You couldn't be a mother to her four years ago, neither until a day ago. What makes you think you can be one now." The older woman answered again, in an aggressive tone that made Amada both sad and angry at the same time.

She didn't really give much thought to it before replying to her mother. "You couldn't be a mum to me or Kim either what makes you think you can be a grandmother to Celestine?"

Amanda's mother didn't speak. Neither did Amanda. There were a few moments when none of the two women made any effort to speak, nor move. They just stared at each other.

Surely Amanda's mother wasn't the best mom possible but she did take good care of Celestine all those years. The little girl did seem happy every time Amanda would visit her. And every time Amanda wouldn't come by for a few months, her mother was strong enough to make the little girl happy again. She was a good grandmother as far as she could say.

"I shouldn't have said this." Amanda finally whispered.

"No, no you are right. I wasn't a good mother and this was the perfect time for you to throw this right in my face. I tried to make myself feel better on this one by taking care of my granddaughter and I see why you want to make it right yourself. I'm not gonna let you drown the same way I did."

The two women finally shared a smile. Amanda watched as the little girl walked toward them, only to stop right where her grandmother was standing. Amanda just watched the blonde girl, with her baby blue eyes staring right back at hers. She was wearing big eyeglasses that Amanda was sure she wasn't wearing the last time she visited.

"I can't see very well without them" the little girl spoke, making no effort to go any closer to Amanda. "Granny took me to the doctor when I told her and he gave them to me." She explained with the words leaving her mouth slowly, like she was trying to explain this really well.

"Oh, I see now. You can see better now right? Can you see me from over there?" Amanda murmured to her daughter, kneeling down to the ground so as to see her better.

The little girl just nodded.

"Are you not going to come here and give me a hug Celestine?" She asked. Again the little girl just shook her head no.

"Why?"

"Because you are gonna leave. You always leave." The little girl complained, Amanda barely made out what she had told her.

"Mommy is not leaving Celestine. She's staying for lunch and is going to sleep with you tonight" The little girl's grandmother finally spoke, sensing the awkwardness of the moment, as she took the little girls hand and walked in their house, followed by a tearful Amanda.

Olivia had just come back from a walk with Noah. She felt extremely happy having this baby in her life and being with him had always made her feel like that was all she needed, but there was something eating her inside out now.

It was her youngest detective. Amanda Rollins. She was holding her phone thinking of whether or not she should call her. She was in a pretty bad shape when she left that morning. She could've done something to hurt herself. Right? Olivia dialled her number, because that was the right thing to do. She was just trying to protect one of her own. It was nothing more than that…

She called repeatedly but had no luck. Amanda wouldn't pick it up and that only made Olivia even more worried. "Amanda it's me Olivia. Call me when you get this please." She finally left a message n Amanda's voice mail. Hopefully she was all right.

Olivia couldn't just wait for Amanda to call her back, and after spending a few minutes walking up and down her living room she called her sitter asking her to keep Noah because she had "some emergency job to do". As soon as her sitter was there, she picked up her coat and car keys and left, with the plan to go over to Amanda's apartment. But she had no better luck there either. No matter how many times she'd ring the bell Amanda wouldn't answer. She either wasn't home, or didn't want any company.

"Amanda if you are in there please open the door, I just want to make sure you are okay" Olivia begged one last time. Just then an old man appeared from the stairs, with Frannie, Amanda's dog.

"Hello sir, is this dog yours?" She asked.

"Oh no milady, it's my neighbour's. She helps me with my groceries and I take care of her dog when she has to leave." He kindly explained with a bright smile on his face. Olivia couldn't help but smile back. She knew Amanda was a great person, always trying to help everyone but herself…

"Ah, your neighbour is Amanda right? I'm sorry to ask but I've been looking for her all day have you seen her?"

The man lowered his head as if he was thinking of something not too happy. "Yes, yes. She stopped by this morning. Telling me to take care of Frannie for a couple of days. She gave me some cash and left" He murmured, staring at the floor. He seemed like he was talking to himself and not Olivia.

"She didn't say where she was going?" She asked again. Olivia was getting even more worried now.

"I'm sorry dear but no, maybe down to Georgia? She goes there and visits her mother sometimes, that's the only way she'd leave Frannie alone."

Olivia gave the old man a smile so as to thank him before leaving. She had to get out of there and think of a way to help Amanda when she came back…if she came back…

For now, she decided to go back to her son, Noah, who she wanted so badly to spend her day with. Yes that's what she was going to do. Spend her day with Noah, and give no more reasons to social services to take him from her. Amanda was a grown up, she'd be fine…

The day had passed pretty quickly for Amanda, but really slowly for Olivia. The older woman couldn't help but worry about Amanda, while the younger one enjoyed her day with her daughter.

At first they'd go eat lunch together at a local restaurant. Celestine was too excited yet still pretending to be angry with Amanda, afraid of her leaving again. At first she wouldn't talk much. Amanda's non-stop tries to earn the girl's trust again though had worked as the hours passed. She had spent the entire day with her, without resting for a minute, running from one place to another just to keep her daughter happy. They even watched a Disney movie together…a real mother and daughter moment.

Unfortunately Amanda felt like she destroyed that moment, when she fell asleep for a few seconds and woke up screaming after seeing Patton in her sleep once more. It wasn't a dream though; it was a memory, the memory of that night when he forced himself inside her so hard that she screamed at the top of her lungs. She felt the pain, the humiliation. That night that she convinced herself she caused this, it was her fault, because she wanted to help her sister. She put herself in that situation. But Olivia had told her otherwise. It couldn't be her fault that she got raped. Even if it was for her sister's sake, even if she didn't fight back too much, even if she just surrendered, it wasn't her fault.

Shortly after she had that terrible wake up, she told her daughter that it was just a bad dream and that she was sorry. She tried to make the little girl forget the whole scene by offering her a bubble bath, and a story before bedtime.

So, she filled the bathtub and let Celestine play in there for a few minutes before reading her the story the little girl had picked.

As Amanda was bathing her daughter she, again, didn't hear her cell phone ring. Amanda's mother heard the vibration and picked it up, seeing a familiar name – often mentioned in their conversations- Olivia.

"Hello?" She answered.

"_For God's sake Amanda where have you been, I've gone nuts with worry. It's 9:00 pm and you left in the morning you could have called and let me know you are all right or at least answer one of my calls" _The woman on the other side of the line said.

"I'm sorry my dear this is not Amanda, it's Celestine, her mother. Amanda's giving a bath to her daughter right now, but I can give it to her if you want" The elder woman answered. For some reason she assumed Olivia already knew about Celestine, maybe because Amanda would talk too much about her that she supposed they were really close, but she was wrong.

Olivia was speechless by what she had just heard. Amanda had a daughter? If she had. She couldn't be younger that four years old, because Amanda has been working to SVU for about that time… And if her daughter is around four years old… that matches the time she… No… this couldn't have happened to Amanda… Everything made sense to Olivia now, Amanda wasn't a weak woman, she'd get through her rape, deal with it. But it was much more than just that night. She had a kid with that man… with her own rapist. Maybe that's what she meant by "making things right"

"Can you hear me darling?" Amanda's mum spoke again when she saw Olivia wouldn't answer.

"_Ah, yeah I mean no, it's okay just… just tell her I called and… that she needs to call me back immediately please."_

She hung up before Celestine had the time to answer, but just on time for Amanda and her daughter to come out of the bathroom.

"Grandma, grandma look at my pyjamas, mommy bought them for me, they have Dora the Explorer on them!" An all excited four year old jumped out of Amanda's hug and ran into her granny's one.

"Oh she did, you look so great my dear" The child's grandmother congratulated the kid.

"Oh Amanda by the way, Olivia called."

Amanda widened her eyes as the woman continued. "I told her you were in the bathroom with Celestine and she said you should call her back when you can."

"Mum you told her about… Mum! I can't believe it why did you do this?" a now angry Amanda was yelling at her mom, unable to believe her ears. She didn't mention what her mom had told Olivia so as her little girl wouldn't hear it.

Olivia knew about Celestine? She must've been really confused, even angry with Amanda.

"I thought she knew" her mother almost whispered.

"You thought she knew? Mum you don't get it… I have to fly back to NYC and explain the hardest part of my life to my superior and friend tonight. I made incredible tries to try and make her trust me all those years and you just cancelled each one of them." Her eyes were puffy now, with tears threatening to fall, thinking of losing Olivia, even from a friend. She had admitted to herself she was in love with her Sergeant. But if having her, as a friend was all she could get, she'd appreciate it. Losing her though wasn't an option to her.

"You are leaving mommy?" A now crying little girl, who was watching the whole scene said. Her ocean blue eyes staring right into her mother's ones again. Amanda wiped her tears and knelt down, taking Celestine in her arms. She had to make that child her first priority. She had to calm down and think, to find a solution to talk to Olivia without hurting her child.

"No honey I'm not leaving okay? We are going to go sleep now, and tomorrow you will come to New York with mommy and live with me okay?" She told the girl who nodded and wiped her tears, Amanda giving a mad glare to her mother, before hugging the little girl and moving into her room.

She just had to take some rest for tonight. Give her little girl the feeling of security that she never felt. She grew up being her own protector, having to face everything on her own. She was sure now; she didn't want Celestine to feel that when while growing up. She was her daughter and nobody else's. And she wasn't going to let her down again. She was going to be the best mum possible, work with her issues and give her daughter some stability.

As for Olivia… she knew what she was going to do the next morning…. Everything was going to settle down, finally…

**Thanks for reading**

**PLEASE REVIEW SO I'LL KNOW TO UPDATE THE NEXT CHAPTER **

**THANK YOU SO MUCH **

**XX**


	3. Chapter 3

**HELLO GUYS THANK YOU FOR YOUR WONDERFUL REVIEWS ONE MORE. I CANT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY LIKE THIS IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY X**

**HERES THE NEXT CHAPTER.**

**PS: YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR SUGGESTIONS FOR THE STORY N THE COMMENTS I'LL TAKE THEM UNDER CONSIDERATION**

**HUGE THANK YOU TO MY BETA**

She woke up at 5:00 am that morning. Her plane back to NYC would leave by 8:00 and she wanted to make sure she'd be there on time. She couldn't believe she was taking Celestine with her. Motherhood was still a strange and scary thing to her. But she was willing to walk that road. All night long, she couldn't stop caressing her daughter's head until they both fell asleep. She held her tight like somebody was going to take her away from her. All the love she could've given to that girl all those years, she knew now that she had it hidden inside and it was the right time to give it back to her.

She got her daughter's stuff ready before waking the four-year-old up. They got breakfast together, watched a few cartoons, even brushed each other's hair. The little girl let Amanda pick her outfit of the day and seemed really happy. Until a few minutes before they had to leave.

Amanda noticed the little girl sitting on a chair by the window staring at the ground. She walked there slowly and knelt in front of her.

"If you don't want to come baby you can stay here." Amanda whispered and caressed her red cheek.

The little girl rubbed her eyes and stared back at her. " I wanna be with you and Granny too"

Amanda sighed, it was surely a hard decision for her daughter to make and she didn't want to make her go through this.

"Baby mommy has to go back to work in New York. And granny's house is here. You can stay with granny if you want, I will come and visit you every week. Or you can come with me and we'll come and visit granny whenever you want. It's your choice, just don't be sad baby please"

"You want me with you mommy?" she mumbled

"Of course I want you with me baby you are my little girl. I know mommy hasn't been a very good mommy but things will change now okay?" The little girl wrapped her arms around Amanda's neck and pulled her into a hug.

"Ok. I will leave my teddy bear with granny to keep her company though" the little girl spoke again, this time with a bright smile on her face as she ran into her granny's bedroom followed by Amanda.

Amanda's mother wouldn't leave her bedroom that morning and was surprised to see her granddaughter running in. Amanda just stayed by the door watching the whole scene.

"Granny, granny. Mr snuffles is gonna stay here with you to keep you company until me and mommy come and see you." She told her granny, showing Mr snuffles, which was obviously the name of her teddy bear, to her.

Amanda's mum forced a smile. She was obviously sad. " That's so sweet Celestine thank you. Just promise me you will come back"

The little girl kissed her granny's nose. "Of course I will granny don't be silly" and smiled.

"You need to know that this is unfair." Amanda's mum spoke again, now talking to her daughter.

Amanda walked in and told her daughter to go make sure she had everything she needed, and spoke, as soon as the girl left the room.

" I will owe you, forever, for taking such good care of my daughter. And I will be forever thankful to you, for not letting me take an abortion or give her up for adoption. But you were the one who had told me that there will be a time that I'd feel guilty for giving up on my daughter and it'd be better if you raise her so I can be a mother to her when the time comes. It took me four years mum, but here I am. You can see her whenever you want. You can even take her here some weekends. But Celestine is coming to live with me."

Amanda started walking to the door when her mum's words stopped her again.

"What about her father. Are you ever going to tell him?"

Amanda's eyes were full of anger and pain as she answered, making sure she let no tears to fall.

"Celestine does not have her a father, she has no need either. She's like me, a fighter. But I had no mum either, she's gonna have me for as long as she wants me to."

* * *

><p>Her phone's vibration made her eyes open fast and wide as she reached for it as crazy, hoping it was Amanda. She had slept less than four hours, unable to believe what she had learnt the other night. At least it was a Sunday morning, she could stay home with Noah and take her time realising what Amanda was going through.<p>

She rubbed her eyes to clear her vision and read the message appearing on her screen.

"We're outside your apartment are you going to open up?" she read. It was from Amanda. It was almost 10:00 am. "We" who's we? She wondered.

Olivia jumped out of her bed brushed her hair quickly and ran to the door, not bothering to wear anything more than her underwear and a tank top. She took baby Noah in her arms, who she had put on her bed a few moments back letting him play there.

The two women just stared at each other for a few moments. Amanda couldn't help but notice Olivia being dressed in her underwear and Olivia couldn't help but notice, how much she had missed the blonde detective. She then move her eyes to the little girl hiding behind her, having her hand wrapped in Amanda's.

"That's what you meant by we" she finally spoke. Amanda didn't know how to feel that moment.

"Can we come in, we have some talking to do" She spoke quietly, like a child who had just spilled coffee on the carpet and was waiting for the consequences

Olivia stepped back allowing them to step in, giving a smile to the little girl. "God she looked just like her"

"Never believed there could be another person with such wonderful eyes. You are surely your mother's daughter," she said, smiling at the little girl.

The little girl gave back a smile as she stepped a little closer.

"Celestine this is my friend Olivia, and that's her son, Noah." Amanda told her daughter. The little girl reached for Noah's hand, stepping even closer. Noah gave her a toothless smile as he giggled. The two adults couldn't help but smile.

"Hey Celestine that's a beautiful name you have there" Olivia spoke in her unique sweet tone.

"It is the same as my granny's" she said all proud.

"Is it that's really sweet."

Amanda smiled at how comfortable her girl seemed already around Noah and Olivia.

"Celestine, could you watch out for Noah for a while because mommy and Olivia have to talk. Can you do that baby?" Amanda asked her daughter, giving her a kiss on the forehead.

"Of course I can mommy I am a big girl." She answered. Olivia took the kids were Noah's toys were in the living room, and they moved a little further in the room, still being able to see the kids.

"Olivia I'm sorry.." the blonde begun to talk but was soon interrupted by her sergeant.

"Amanda, I couldn't have imagined that you got pregnant by Patton. It must've been terribly difficult for you. I never meant to make you feel weak, because I do know how much strength this needs."

"Olivia… just hear me out." Amanda said. " You were right. Talking to me after Patton's trial made me realise how many things I have to work on to get better. And the first thing was to make it up to Celestine. That's why I went all the way down to Georgia, and now… I'm here with her and you made me realise how important she is and that the fact that she's a product of rape, my rape, it doesn't make it her fault at all. I can't believe it's been four years that I've blamed her." She stopped to take a breath, as some tears ran down her cheek again, but keeping her voice low making sure her daughter couldn't listen. Rollins wasn't a weak woman, she wasn't going to become one now.

"But that's not all Olivia. You were there for me and helped me and I shouldn't have kept it a secret. I should've told you about both. About Celestine, and… about my feelings, for you."

Olivia widen her eyes again, staring at Amanda's magical ones, that were a little bit red from crying. She didn't speak, leaving the blonde to finish what she was saying.

"I love you Olivia. Does it sound so unnatural that I am in love with my female Sergeant, it took me a while to accept it myself but I did. And maybe I shouldn't tell you but last night, I really believed that you would never forgive me for not telling you about Celestine, and I just felt like I should tell you, you know, even if that's our last off duty conversation."

Olivia smiled, using her thump to wipe the tears away from Amanda's cheeks, as she gently pressed her lips on hers, Amanda immediately allowing access to her tongue, still not sure that this was true. Olivia deepened the kiss until their lungs allowed them to, and then she spoke again, in a tone that made Amanda feel secure, and happy.

"Amanda, how could you ever think that I wouldn't talk to you because you didn't tell me you had a child after being raped? It's not an easy thing to do but you did. I was hurt that you didn't trust me, but I get it. I'm just happy you did tell me now… And I'm glad you confessed, because I thought I was going mad thinking about you all day. But now I know. I know that I can help you get yourself back. I know that we can try this together. If you want to"

Amanda still unable to believe that her sergeant, her secret love of the past few years had just kissed and asked her to "try this" moved her lips once more on Olivia's like she wanted to make sure it was true, feeling the brunette's hand at the back of her head gently pushing her closer.

"Are you two girlfriends?" the little girl asked as she giggled from the corner, looking back at the two of them. Amanda made a gesture to her and she immediately ran to her mommy who lift her up.

" Only if you want to pumpkin" she told her.

The little girl moved her lips on Amanda's ears in an attempt to whisper to her. "She seems nice" she said, causing Olivia – who heard it- to smile.

The ringtone of Olivia's phone interrupted their moment.

"Benson…I'll be right there." She said and sighed. "This was my Sunday's end. I have to go to work." she told Amanda, rolling her eyes as she moved into her bedroom to get dressed.

"It's alright, I still have the day off, I'll stay with the kids if you don't mind, I mean it's your apartment right… and maybe you feel more comfortable with Noah staying with your nanny.."

"Shh, Amanda relax, I trust you. You can stay here with Noah and Celestine. I'll be back as soon as I can to continue this." She said, kissing her forehead. Amanda let Celestine down and wrapped her hands around Olivia's waist.

"Don't worry Olivia I'll take care of Noah" Celestine said now her hands around Olivia's leg.

Olivia chuckled at the sight of the two blondes' wrapped around her.

"Okay Celestine you go wear your shoes honey I'll get Noah dressed and we can go to the video club and rend a movie to watch until Olivia's back" she said, picking up Noah, still staring at Olivia who nodded, giving her the permission to do as she wished. Amanda still wasn't sure that this was true, or that Olivia trusted her with Noah. Olivia moved to Noah and planted a kiss on his cheek before going to get dressed.

* * *

><p>With baby Noah n her arms and Celestine holding her by her jacket Amanda left Olivia's apartment to go rend some cartoon movie for the kids to watch. The store was just a block away from Olivia's apartment. Thank God, because it was too cold and the new mother instinct of Amanda would make her too worried for the kids to catch a cold because of the terribly cold weather. That's why she made sure she had them both dressed too well.<p>

She entered the shop and asked the clerk where she could find the kid's movies. His face seemed familiar but she didn't really bother remembering where she had seen him again.

"It's over there ma'am" he said pointing at the right. "Are these two yours?" He asked with ta smile, obviously referring to Celestine and Noah.

"Um, yeah I guess." Amanda answered in an awkward tone. She was a lone bird and she was all of sudden walking around with two kids.

"You seem too young to have two kids" He continued talking to her, Amanda looking for a "way out" of this conversation.

" What can I say." She mumbled again, awkwardly looking around for an escape.

He moved closer to Celestine and smiled.

"You did a good job ma'am. She looks just like you. I guess the father is not too happy about that" he chuckled.

Amanda dropped her face on the floor and took a deep breath so as not to lose her temper.

"Yeah, I've heard that before. I'm sorry but the weather's not that good and I have to get going pick that movie before it gets worse" It wasn't the best, but it was the best excuse she could come up with that moment.

He nodded, and let her go, staring at her until he couldn't see her anymore.

She just ignored him, looking forward to Olivia coming home and spending the rest of the day with her and the kids. It was like a dream coming true. All of a sudden she was moving into a family shape, not the most common one but that didn't bother her. It was too soon to make deep thoughts but not too soon for her to feel true happiness after a long while

**PLEASE REVIEW SO I LL KNOW TO POST THE NEXT CHAPTER :)**

**THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME**


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